10 ITEMS TO GRAB ONTO ON THE ROLLER COASTER OF LOVE
SUBMITTED BY THE BOERNE HAPPY TIME THERAPY GROUP AND HOT OIL EMPORIUM
10. Well, your hat
9. Some tissues, to deal with the awkward results of # 2.
8. His knee. For some silly reason, men love it when women grab their knee during moments of high tension, even though it can leave lasting marks.
7. A knish. You just cannot get enough knishes and if you see one, grab on.
6. Your ear and your date’s ear simultaneously. This is a bonding exercise highly respected by the remote Bolango tribe political caste. When they say “lend me your ear…”
5. The hair of the person in front of you. If it comes off in your hand tradition requires that you stand up in the car and wave it while screaming hysterically. Your date must fight off the ensuing attack.
4. The moral high ground. I have no idea where it is or why we want it, but apparently we do. Write me with the details. Take your time.
3. A steaming bottle of Boerne Happy Time Hot Oil, spiced or plain.
2. Grabbing the bottle, artfully spill it into your date’s lap. When he starts screaming, whisper in his ear “just rub it in for the full medicinal value, and stand back!”
1. Relinquishing the moral high ground (you have sufficient experience by now), grasp your date’s other ear (the one you aren’t already holding) and do whatever comes naturally, disregarding the screaming and smell of burnt flesh. If you have had a good time, kiss him. If not just bring your forehead smartly down on his nose and then use him for an ottoman for the rest of the ride.
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