The Penis Whisperer

The other day I was muttering to myself and the totally and completely beloved Barbara asked me “What?” so I said “I came over here for something and I forgot what and now I’m standing here with my dick in my hand” which is a crudity commonly used in the Army to describe a failed effort to obtain something. She burst out laughing and asked me if men always thought about their penises. I said “no, not after finding a soul mate who completes them, opens multiple new channels of communication and becomes the other half of their soul. But before that, sure.” So she’s laughing and says that women don’t think about their vagina, at least to the point where they bring it up in casual conversation. So I had to try one more time to ‘splain to her how it works:

A man of hormonal years (11 – 95) who has not completed his search for the perfect mate can be doing something totally innocuous, such as building a bird house to hang on the front yard tree. He’s whistling and building and enjoying pastoral life when his penis will say “hey. A woman just came out of her house 3 blocks away and is headed for her mailbox. Go stand by that tree at the curb”. Some guys will just stand up and go over by the tree and flex for a moment. More mature men will argue; “she’s three blocks away and that’s Mrs. Jones. Why should I stand by that tree?” and their penis will answer “you’re right, that won’t work for Mrs. Jones. Lift the tree out of the ground and put it in the street.” And the guy will say “I can’t lift that tree out of the ground!” and the penis will say “Oh. How about now?” and the Prepare To Launch alarms will sound and chemicals will flood the man’s system and he’ll go lift the goddamned tree. It probably won’t come out of the ground, but I guarantee the roots will be jiggled a bit. And Mrs. Jones won’t notice at all.

“And you must understand,” I said to the completely and totally beloved Barbara, “this will happen to any man regardless of education, social position, profession, or golf handicap. We each of us have a penis whisperer built in that controls a significant portion of our lives until we find someone upon whom we can bestow the title of “Completely and Totally Beloved”. And then we live happily ever after."

Well, my friends, she hugged me and gave me a little kiss and said “Bullshit” and went to finish the bird house.